I have spent many hours wondering what is going through the children’s heads since the tragic illness to MM. You worry about every tantrum and every mood swing. I am constantly asking myself, is this a reaction to missing their mummy?
This morning I was woken by Little Madam sobbing into her pillow, she didn’t remember what her dream was about but my mind went into overdrive.
I remember shedding a tear when I was drawing pictures of the family with ‘Chilled Out Boy’ and he exclaimed, ‘No I want a sad face.’ Of course it became clear a few hours later when he was sick that this was not connected to our situation.
On another occasion at the park, BB did not play with his peers. Instead, he looked very sullen and withdrawn on his own. I asked him, if he was ok and that he could talk to me if he was worried about anything. However, he just replied, ‘No Daddy I am fine, I am just trying to spin.’ He then spun on the apparatus and said, ‘Thank you Daddy, l will let you know.’
So what does actually go on in the head of a toddler?
Chilled Out Boy is obsessed with his green box. It goes everywhere with him, he is very protective of it and is often found under the dining table taking it all out and laying it very carefully on his green blanket. I never got close enough to see what he had, but enough was enough the other morning. When I say ‘morning’ I mean early morning, after being cracked on the head by the box as he tried to climb into bed with me at 3.45am. Being the clumsiest three year old on the planet, you won’t be surprised that when he was sent back to bed I heard a crash and he dropped the box. He then spent the next 10 mins putting each piece back into the box; nothing was going to stop him from doing this.
So in the morning I grabbed the box. So what is important to a 3 year old?
In no particular order:
A pair of sunglasses
A Calpol spoon
2 furry pumpkins
The remote control for his car (but not the car)
The key for his Thomas Train Station
MM’s Barclays Card Reader
A plastic screwdriver
3 empty party bags
A small plastic pizza
A green figure
A wind up torch
The door from his Grandpa Pig Truck
4 packets of chocolate buttons
Now I am quite impressed that he had the self-control not to eat the chocolate! That is something MM would not be able to achieve! She is still battling so hard but the recent setbacks have put her rehabilitation back to the beginning. She is still unable to speak, move her right side or feed herself. She has been unable to give regular hand squeezes and some visits have been incredibly tough as there has been limited response. We are now waiting to hear where she will be referred to next. This is likely to be London; we could all do with some positive news.
I have found it very difficult to concentrate in the evening and not been able to watch any TV that we watched together. My one respite, was Dallas… MM never watched the original and so the new series has given me a break. Well it did until in the penultimate episode, Bobby Ewing had a brain hemorrhage caused by an aneurysm. It is a good job I have maintained my sense of humour!