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Postponing Baby making!

I have finally made a decision. A big decision that will hopefully have positive outcomes in the long run, but the hardest decision I have had to make for a long time. This is because I am having to squash the strong hormonal desire to have another baby.

It has never been a secret that I have wanted four children. Ever since I was a young teenager I knew I wanted a large family, and when I met my husband and we reached that part of the conversation about children, and you are keeping you fingers crossed that firstly they want them (or you know it is over) and secondly that they won’t be totally freaked by the prospect of a primary school of children, I was able to sigh with relief that he also wanted a large family.

This last year I have been having to really ignore my urges to want another baby, and even had the coil fitted so that no accidental *cough ahem* mistakes could happen. This decision was made on the promise that we could reconsider Christmas this year.

However I have had a major reassessment of things. It is not that I don’t want any more children – far from it, but I am now delaying things, in the hopes to try to improve our current quality of life with the three children we already have.

Anyone with children knows how hard and challenging things can be. Anyone with more than one knows what a juggling act it is. Anyone with twins or multiples know it is a completely different ball game! I actually do feel like I am coping at the moment and the children are a pure joy 95% of the time, but I am permanently exhausted. The toddling stage is physically hardcore with three and sharing my time between them is something that I think I will always be having guilt issues over. BB is starting a new phase of school in September and the twins are that stage where they want to soak up everything like sponges and they need me. Adding another to the mix at the moment seems very selfish and unfair of me now.

In addition finances play a huge part. I have been out of work for two and half years now. I really do enjoy being a stay at home Mum, but there have been elements of work that I have missed and a salary would be beneficial. Unfortunately even now, due to the crazy cost of child care, I will not be able to consider teaching again until the twins are at school. Despite this as they say, when someone closes a door, another opens a window, and my window of hope and opportunity is Science Sparks.

Emma (Mummymummum) and I started the blog nine months ago and so far we have had really positive feedback from it. We would love to see this progress into a business venture for ourselves, and so my plan now is to spend the next two years really concentrating on making that happen. Anything I earn from it will be a bonus. In two years (when the twins start school) I will have more of idea as to the potential and then be able to make an informed choice about working in a school, or being able to work from home! I think whilst this window is open, if I don’t seize the opportunity I will kick myself later that I didn’t try.

Whatever the outcome, once the twins start school I will then try to work for two years – enough to hopefully be able to sort out some of the financial strain and to maybe move us up the property ladder. Once a little more settled and secure I will then think about baby number four. I now have tears in my eyes, because the fight over these damn hormones is hard. Four to five years feels like an eternity. However I will only be 35, and if another baby does not happen, I am so blessed with the family I already have.

And because I am so blessed with the family I already have, I need to put them first. I need to be able to support and contribute to them financially to improve quality of life, I need to not make them feel like they share me anymore than they have to, and I need to ensure their happiness.

All the above is fundamental and that is why I am postponing.

…. If however in six months I announce a pregnancy you will know I have failed miserably!

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43 comments to Postponing Baby making!

  • aww I so get this – even though I’m a *few ahem* years older than you. I would have loved to snuck another one in and made it four but I am grateful for the three I have. I have quite big age gaps – but it has worked for us. I still fight the hormonal urges but three has to be my magic number! I would keep going if I didn;t have a sensible head on!

  • I think that sounds like the best decision for you now Kerry and like you said you could certainly have another baby at 35 when things have settled down- thats still very young. Ultimately you need to do whats right for you and your family- and you can always change your mind!
    I hope that you and Emma make the best success of Science Sparks- I hope it does super well, you two both totally deserve it- you both are fabulous ladies and have such a great passion.

  • It’s such an awful mix of pain/frustration/disappointment, I really feel for you. We decided (well, I agreed) early on I would only be having one pregnancy – hubby is 50 next year and he’s not sure he could handle newborn(s) again. So I was pretty lucky to get twins! I still get those urges from time to time – the worst was when my brother and his wife had a baby in January… But I’m not sure I could handle another one – like you, I’m permanently exhausted! Well done for making a difficult decision.

  • I really feel for you Kerry. I too am exhausted all the time and feel stretched to breaking point sometimes. At the same time I feel very blessed to have my 3 lovely kiddies, but I know I couldn’t manage another.

    Let make Science Sparks a big success!


  • Kara

    I know how you feel Kerry and like you made sure that there were no surprises so we could get on the property ladder and build a career. I had my first child at 18, next at 22 and then 25.
    Both hubby and I then worked our socks off, got married and got a mortgage and it wasn’t until I was 34 that we could afford to have another! It’s great to have such an age gap and the older kids do help (sometimes). The decision to have another was made as we felt Isaac needed a playmate but that’s it now. Much as I would love an even number we just can’t afford it and at almost 38 I’ve got to accept that’s it now.
    Good luck with Science Sparks and hope the little ones give you some rest soon x x

  • I think it’s really brave of you to share this Kerry. I think this sort of planning and thought process goes into a lot of people’s decisions to have babies (or not have babies) but they don’t talk about it. And we’re all left thinking that everyone just goes with the flow and makes the decision to have another child whenever they want one. Anyone with a family knows that it’s not as simple as that, and once you have other children to think about it becomes about planning and timing and making the best out of a given situation.
    I think it’s always good to have a plan, I also think that sometimes the plan has to go out of the window. But only you can know what is right for you, and your husband, and your children. I’m sorry your decision has made you so sad, those broody hormones can make a woman pretty crazy, but remember its not set in stone.
    Big hugs hun. X

    • Thank you lovely! No, not set in stone, and always room for change but I think I have to be sensible. I don’t want to disrupt and upset the children I have for my selfish needs. I shall have to wait xx

  • hard decision for anybody, and only you and yours can make a decision that is right for you all, good luck with that whatever it may be long term.
    but there are other options to fulfil an urge-childmind, foster, both bring in money. But science sparks is good, so lets hope that works out for you.Feel it is much harder now then when I had mine, 1 generation ago there were few name brands, must have, ipads etc that place huge strains on a family.

    • Yes I think all the things you are expected to have, or feel the pressure to have does put a strain on. The problem with childcare is that it takes away from the children I have – unless of course it is something I consider when mine are at school! It is a possibility! x

  • Hi
    With it so well written and explained, who could not agree with your reasoning.
    Best of luck darling.
    Liska xxx

  • I always said I wanted four too but after almost dying having the twins, we have decided it is just too dangerous for me to ever have any more. Part of me is devastated but I know I could not risk leaving my three beautiful girls without a mummy. So I am making the most of every second of the twins being babies, because I will never have this again. It’s hard but we all do the best for our children. Xx

    • Oh gosh, that sounds like a very traumatic delivery. I can totally understand your reasoning and sometimes it is about putting our children first. An essential quality of a mummy! Thank you for reading. x

  • A huge decision Kerry but sounds pretty sensible. Sounds like you have everything sorted in your head and I really hope science sparks proves to be everything you want it to be!xx

  • Sam (@LuckyTwinMumSam)

    I totally appreciate where you are coming from. Different scenario but we tried for nearly 4yrs for our b/g twins. I am back at work part-time and manage the whole work/life balance. However, I couldn’t imagine expanding our brood now, or even in a year or so. I want to give the twins as much of my focus as I can and just don’t think I could do that with another baby (or babies!) in tow. I am blessed for what I have and am just fine to stay like that – for now….

    • You see, now I am in awe of you more for having to try for four years. I was so lucky with my pregnancies, to to have spent four years wondering if it ever would happen, must have been so hard. I can totally understand why you feel blessed with your miracle babies. Twins also change things I think – I keep trying to pretend it doesn’t but it really is different! x

  • Such an amazing post, so relevant to my current situation. I have an 8yr old and 6yr old twins and boy has that broody feeling been kicking in lately. We had a plan my husband wanted no more babies after he hit 40, so always wanting 3 childen I was blessed to fall pregnant with the twins. Since the arrival of them I’ve been non-stop, not just parenting but re-educating myself too (I’ve just finished a degree) and yet here I am 6yrs after I promised no more, wishing we had one more. I unfortunately agree and stand by our decision but it sure hurts and is one of the most upsetting, I do often think ahh one more but I worked so hard these past years it’d feel like going back to square one. All our babies are extremly special and I wouldn’t change a thing so no moaning about what could be, we’re enjoying what we’ve got. With regards to putting your situation on hold, it’s the worst/hardest decision to make, I personally say just go for it, you don’t want to look back in 10yrs with regrets. I’ve managed a company start-up and degree with 3small children it’s been hard but when you want something enough you will make it happen :-) GOOD LUCK XxX

  • Oh Kerry, what a tough decision to make, but it sounds like the right one for you all at this time.
    I can absolutely relate to it, we had 3 in 3 years and had to abandon our plans for another due to utter exhaustion and lack of finances. I’m 41 now so no chance of having any more later either. It has been really hard to get over it BUT when I look at our gorgeous happy little family I just can’t feel sad, I am so lucky. One of my favourite sayings is: “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it”
    You are an amazing woman, full of determination and you have so much to give, I feel sure that once you and Emma have made a great success of Science Sparks you will get your wish and expand your beautiful family. Much love xxx

  • With four lovely children already I still get baby urges. Just the sight of a newborn gets me broody! Tough call but sounds like you have it all figured out x

  • I know exactly where you’re coming from, but I’ve had to conclude that I am never going to give in to my urges for another child. I always wanted three and there was something liberating at first about thinking there would be no more, but as soon as my daughter reached her 1st birthday I wanted another one! She’s 6 now. I lived in hope for a few years, but I’ve always known any more would be madness for us. My husband has his own business and works long hours, I work part-time myself and the kids have such different needs now. I can’t imagine myself breastfeeding on the touchline at rugby, but that’s how I would end up!
    I hope you do get your number 4 when the time is right x

  • Kel

    That is a very tough, but very brave decision!

    You have made it well though, looked at it sensibly, thought about it and talked it through! If the time is right in the future and you have more children – fab, if not, you have an awesome family already!

    Well done and good luck with focussing on the now!

  • You can’t have it all. None of us can. That is a lie that was sold to us at some point. You will be fine though because you sit back and have a plan. That really is impressive. I am far more chaotic sonever quite make it.

  • Its clearly a decision that you did not make lightly. You must do what’s best for you and your family. The truth is things always work out the way the should some times with more challenges than anticipated so if you do have an announcement in 6 months celebrate, enjoy don’t be hard on yourself and if you don’t that’s ok too :0)

  • Such a hard decision to make and well done! I love the fact that in two years you will only be 35 and have done so much!! We decided at Christmas just gone that if we didn’t try this year for number 2 we were at risk of never doing so. We were thrilled to fall pregnant in early March :) But we have waited 6 years for number 2 and at times I think its been too long but others the time has literally zoomed past! Enjoy now and what happens in the future will come when you are all ready! (Also like the sound of the business opportunity, I run my own business so always here to help if you have any questions!) X

  • Good luck with the science sparks. I completely understand and have a similar post as to why we stopped at 4. It completely broke my heart, but now I’m really glad we never had any more because I can put my energies into the ones we have – and it is a new adventure in life. Like you say you are still young and could have more further down the line. But if in 6 months you have another then to me then that is just fate.

  • This must have been a really hard decision to make but I can understand your reasoning. You do have three beautiful and delightful children, I think you’re wise to enjoy these years before they’ve grown-up. Plenty of time for babies, you’re still young :-)

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