I have finally made a decision. A big decision that will hopefully have positive outcomes in the long run, but the hardest decision I have had to make for a long time. This is because I am having to squash the strong hormonal desire to have another baby.
It has never been a secret that I have wanted four children. Ever since I was a young teenager I knew I wanted a large family, and when I met my husband and we reached that part of the conversation about children, and you are keeping you fingers crossed that firstly they want them (or you know it is over) and secondly that they won’t be totally freaked by the prospect of a primary school of children, I was able to sigh with relief that he also wanted a large family.
This last year I have been having to really ignore my urges to want another baby, and even had the coil fitted so that no accidental *cough ahem* mistakes could happen. This decision was made on the promise that we could reconsider Christmas this year.
However I have had a major reassessment of things. It is not that I don’t want any more children – far from it, but I am now delaying things, in the hopes to try to improve our current quality of life with the three children we already have.
Anyone with children knows how hard and challenging things can be. Anyone with more than one knows what a juggling act it is. Anyone with twins or multiples know it is a completely different ball game! I actually do feel like I am coping at the moment and the children are a pure joy 95% of the time, but I am permanently exhausted. The toddling stage is physically hardcore with three and sharing my time between them is something that I think I will always be having guilt issues over. BB is starting a new phase of school in September and the twins are that stage where they want to soak up everything like sponges and they need me. Adding another to the mix at the moment seems very selfish and unfair of me now.
In addition finances play a huge part. I have been out of work for two and half years now. I really do enjoy being a stay at home Mum, but there have been elements of work that I have missed and a salary would be beneficial. Unfortunately even now, due to the crazy cost of child care, I will not be able to consider teaching again until the twins are at school. Despite this as they say, when someone closes a door, another opens a window, and my window of hope and opportunity is Science Sparks.
Emma (Mummymummum) and I started the blog nine months ago and so far we have had really positive feedback from it. We would love to see this progress into a business venture for ourselves, and so my plan now is to spend the next two years really concentrating on making that happen. Anything I earn from it will be a bonus. In two years (when the twins start school) I will have more of idea as to the potential and then be able to make an informed choice about working in a school, or being able to work from home! I think whilst this window is open, if I don’t seize the opportunity I will kick myself later that I didn’t try.
Whatever the outcome, once the twins start school I will then try to work for two years – enough to hopefully be able to sort out some of the financial strain and to maybe move us up the property ladder. Once a little more settled and secure I will then think about baby number four. I now have tears in my eyes, because the fight over these damn hormones is hard. Four to five years feels like an eternity. However I will only be 35, and if another baby does not happen, I am so blessed with the family I already have.
And because I am so blessed with the family I already have, I need to put them first. I need to be able to support and contribute to them financially to improve quality of life, I need to not make them feel like they share me anymore than they have to, and I need to ensure their happiness.
All the above is fundamental and that is why I am postponing.
…. If however in six months I announce a pregnancy you will know I have failed miserably!