I am going to give you a scenario. You may relate to this, you may sympathise, it may be your worst nightmare, but this story is about me at my worst.
‘BBwas 19 months old and the twins were fours month old. On this particular morning I had not put on my make up, had not even managed a shower but was slowly working my way through getting the children bathed and dressed. BBwas full of cold and was not at one with the world at all. He wanted Mummy cuddles and yet I knew I had to get clothes on the twins for they were due a feed in five minutes and all hell could break loose if I was not ready. The laundry pile was sky-high, the kitchen looked like an explosion of formula milk, Weetabix and bottles and the lounge was littered with toys. Chilled out boy (twin 2) decided that just as I got him out the bath, it was the best time to poo in the towel. Perfect. I started to feel sick. ‘Come on girl’, I told myself, ‘pull yourself together, how many nappies have you changed now? This can’t make you sick’
I managed to get them all downstairs, dressed and clean. I set up a DVD to keep BBentertained during the hour and half it would take me to feed and attend to the twins. I sat down but now I felt really sick. I ran to the toilet.
Oh God, help me…it was both ends. I did not know what to do with myself. I sorted myself out, much to Noah’s upset of being locked out the bathroom. I managed to feed the twins amidst throwing up three more times in-between. I called my husband at work but no answer. He must have been teaching a lesson. It got worse. I continued vomiting until my hubby got in from work, and then got sent up to bed. One last run to the toilet…and then complete blackout. I passed out.
The next thing I know is my Mum is round and I am on my way to the on call doctors. I am then admitted to hospital overnight on a drip. The sickness stops and the next morning I am sent home. Hubby has just got a new job and can’t take time off. I am on my own.
I burst into tears in lounge by myself at the wretchedness I have become. I feel like I can’t even look after myself, let alone look after the kids and keep the house in order. There is no space to breathe.
That week I get out the house to go to weigh in clinic to check the twins are gaining weight, as they should be. My health visitor is there and she asks me how I am coping.
‘I am not,’ I whisper.
‘Do you feel depressed?’ she asks.
‘No.’ I say, ‘I am not ill, I am just incapable.’
‘You have three children under two,’ she replies, ‘you have a lot to contend with.’
We talk some more and she recommends referring me to HomeStart UK. I am desperate so I agree, but I am left thinking, ‘great I have been referred to the no hoper parent’s list.’ Honestly I was really snobby about it. I was not sure I wanted to tell anyone I was getting help. Everyone else I knew was coping. ‘
I have written about Home Start and how close to my heart it is and I cannot begin to tell you what a lifeline it has been. Home Start is not about poor parenting at all, it about helping you manage with things that you struggle with before they get out of control, whether that be a lot of young children (me with three under 2), multiples (me with twins), not managing your home (I just wanted a clean bathroom and kitchen so I felt my house was hygienic), socializing and getting out (have you ever tried pushing a triple buggy on your own and then get in anywhere? It is impossible!). These are just a few of things they can assist with.
Suddenly with my volunteer it became possible to get to the park once a week. I had an extra pair of hands to play with BBwhilst I fed the twins in the morning, and could give my house a blitz through and maybe do some laundry or ironing. Suddenly gaining three hours to only think about the jobs you need to do, felt like an eternity. You become very efficient and achieve so much.
As much as I love my children, it also gave me some breathing space and that sense of satisfaction of achieving something.
I was not suffering from depression, but Home Start saved me. Who knows without them where it may have led? Two years on from the scenario above and my Home Start has come to an end. I am so sad that it has stopped because my volunteer was fabulous but it was the right time. The twins are now in pre-school, and I am getting some free time to do jobs two mornings a week. I am so thankful to them for their support, advice and encouragement. With their help I am not scared to be on my own and manage the three of them. Women are under immense pressure to be seen to coping with motherhood, but it is the hardest most intense job ever. Home Start UK is not about poor parenting; it about empowering Mother’s to be in control. I would recommend it to anyone and when my children are older I shall definitely be volunteering.
Thank you Home Start and Farewell.
MM
xx
Oh my goodness! Why have I never done this! What a difference that would make to anyone with young kids. Wishing I had signed up for it. Well done you. I think it shows the greatest strength to know when to ask for help.
The sickness thing made me smile with nostalgia ! I’ve had something similar happen to me akthoughy the baby starting puking too! Sometimes it’s just about survival isn’t it
Totally about survival! It is amazing how we get through, but we do what we have to do! x
Can really identify wi how you were feeling. Still have days like that. I wish I’d used home start but don’t know if mine were the right ages. Sometimes you need to say its not you it’s the fact there so much to do. The reason you’re finding it hard is because it is hard.
You took the words right out of my mouth! x
I can’t even imagine coping with twins and another little one – the twins were enough to keep me busy 24/7. I know quite a few mums from our twin club who were in the same situation as you and their Homestart helpers were their lifeline. I hadn’t realised it was run by volunteers, what amazing work they do and it really does change lives.
You have done brilliantly to cope all by yourself. It really does change lives and stops them spiralling out of control.
It’s great that they were there for you at the right time otherwise, like you say, who knows where it may have led. I find it difficult enough at times with my 3 so I can sympathise with you completely. Homestart sounds like a great service. Maybe one day I might even volunteer myself!
x
I hope you do, you would be a fantastic volunteer! x
I would recommend volunteering to anyone! if you can then do give it ago
wow, Homestart really sounds brilliant. How lovely that they’re volunteers, it would be nice of more people knew about them! I’ll definitely pass on the word.
It is truly incredible!
Wow, they sound amazing and I had no idea they were there. If I struggle with 3 under 4 when the new one comes at least I will know where to turn. Thanks x
Indeed! It is a remarkable service and well worth remembering. x
I have read about your experience with Home Start before and they sound absolutely brilliant and quite literally a godsend for Mum’s needing that extra bit of support. It sounded horrendous being so poorly with 3 little ones to look after, I bet you look back now and wonder how you got through that day!
Home Start is such a fantastic cause and what a lovely post about them
xx
Yes it is all a blur now and I don’t really know, but you do what you have to do in that situation. All is good now though! x
Your story was wonderful to read, how far you have come. I have been a volunteer for homestart for 2 years now and love every minute.
Wow that is amazing. You are fantastic and I really treasure the time you give up to your families so thank you. I hope to be able to support it in the future myself.
Oh God love you! I can’t imagine how absolutely shattered you must have been! Homestart are such a marvellous charity.
Absolutely marvellous! I was not well and totally shattered but am here to tell the tale. x
HOMESTART is a lifeline for people like us with large young families. So WHY did the Bromley branch have to close? Especially as Bromley has one of the highest rates of twins. Sadly it was due to Government funding. The local government said they were putting money into centres that families could come and visit. Oh I nearly fell over when I heard this. If you are reading this you will well know that getting out of the house with several young children is often the problem!!!! Homestart do exactly the thing you need, come to you. So myself and my 3 twin Mum friends, (all with 3 children 3 and under), lost out to the branch closing. So please, if you do use Homestart, write to the local council so they keep it’s funding up, before it is the latest victim.
I know that budgets are nightmare. It is such a valued charity that we need to raise it’s awareness and fund raise more. I am also a twin mum of three under three and know exactly how you feel!
x
What a fantastic organisation…! I hadn’t heard of it before, but they sound great! Emma
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I love your story, can I share it with my homestart group? I love being a homestart volunteer, it’s coming upto a year since I started volunteering for them, such a worthwhile thing to do, 3 hours out of my week can make suh a huge differene to someone elses week.
x
What a wonderful post, I’m a Home Start volunteer and often feel like I’m not really being of any help, but reading this has reminded me why I started. Well done for getting the word out, xxx
Thanks for linking this to the multiples carnival.
[...] mums do everything twice Kerry from Multiple Mummy has sent two posts. The first is a goodbye to First Start. When I read this it made me wish I had known a little bit more about the scheme when the twins [...]